| | As I mentioned a few days ago, I am in that stage where I want to make sense of my Singapore experience. Some people might say it is best forgotten, especially because it is not a pleasant one and that I’ve learned more than a couple of things about my walk with God. Who knows some people might even go as far as to say I am obsessing about it. No I’m not. It’s just that it did wreak havoc on my inner life so now that God has cleared the mess, I’m patiently waiting for Him to rebuild it out of the rubble that it became and fortify it once it’s completely re-established. There were a lot of times the past month when I had to contend with other issues that were offshoots of what happened in January; there were also some terrible ones that had nothing at all to do with it, but the point is, it made recovering a wee bit more difficult. I felt left behind and isolated from my different circles (not that I have many). I was discouraged. I was hurt. In all of it, I couldn’t trust anyone but God to understand the deepest part of me. It was to Him that I turned to. I guess you would agree with me when I say that it is not always easy to make sense of things all by your lone self. Much as I like contemplating about my life alone, I recognize the fact that insights don’t always dawn on you in your solitude. They are spurred in some – maybe most, I’m not sure – occasions by conversation because in a dialogical relationship, one gains a third person’s perspective. But a third person’s opinion can also be unintentionally damaging especially when the subject is your God. More than the other issues I had to deal with, but which I chose to set aside anyway, what hurt me most during my hiatus was a comment made by someone who barely knew me saying I am not in touch with “real life” and that I needed to do “normal” things a young person would do e.g. go to the spa, get a date (where in this side of the planet huh?), go shopping, stuff. The argument was that I am too detached and ungrounded in reality and I would do well to step out of my relationship with God. Though I recognise the value of getting into these activities (I do these things anyway, except date.), I fail to see how these things would better my situation then. (footnote: the comment was made a week after I snapped out of the trance). I don’t always expect people to agree with my way of thinking (I have complex thought patterns, I know) or to sympathise, but I guess what I want to assert is the need for each one of us to develop more tact and humility (this is so overdue and I don’t know why I’m writing about it). Okay, I’ll segue that to Job’s experience. Haha! So…I am re-reading the book of Job. Quite expectedly, it is less alienating to me now. One of the verses got me pondering on suffering – tragedy, brokenness, pain…and such other related human conditions. (with all the entries I’ve posted here, one would think I live such a gloomy, difficult depressing life. Let’s just say I am acquainted with these things :P). Moving on, however, Eliphaz, in his speech said: Job 5:6-7 - For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground. Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward. Such an existentialist starting point – man is born into a troubled world (read: DESPAIR. Hello Sartre, is that you?). Later on however, Eliphaz says God injures but He also heals. Is suffering an existential given, meaning that you experience it regardless of your state in life or is it deliberately caused by God? My thoughts on this are as follows: God allows people to suffer in the hands of evil, not because He is cruel, but I dare to say, He is good. I think part of God’s goodness is His humility. It is amazing to realise that God, despite His power and might, could be so humble as to allow his people to experience pain and suffering – to which He did not spare His son. By this humility, God subjects Himself to the risk of not being chosen and loved by His people. He was willing to take this risk because it means more to God for people to choose Him and love Him freely in spite of and despite the misery that life becomes. It is God’s humble way of responding to Satan’s accusation that people only love God because they are doing well in life. This poses another personal question to me: Do I love God unconditionally as He loves me unconditionally? Will I persist when circumstances make it impossible to see His face or even hear His voice? To the first question, I’d rather that God be the judge of that, but the second, I am committed to persist because I see no better alternative. I just keep falling in love with Him. Gets better every year |
