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nolongernadine
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Country: Philippines
Interests: development, global politics/international relations, classics and contemporary classics, Russian and Jewish lit, philosophy, Christianity, bible studies and worship events, Pablo Neruda, la lengua Español,
Expertise: Reading. Applying lotion and hand cream. Eating chocolates. Organising.
Occupation: Technical Staff/Grad Student
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Yahoo:  zyzanadine
Member Since:
1/5/2006
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| Wrote this entry yesterday but for some reason I cannot access Xanga, so I posted this on my old blog.
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I'm not yet in the mood to do my assignment due on Wednesday (i.e. a washlist of ALL international relations texts I've read in the past), so I'll write an update instead.
It's only the second week of the semester but I already feel exhausted, probably because my Saturdays are long, with only a four-hour midday break sandwiched between two 3-hour classes. The first class is a course in Modern Asia which starts at 8:30am while the second is a course on Alternative Development Strategies which starts at 3:30pm and ends at 6:30pm. Imagine how early I have to get up since I live an hour away from the university and how late I get home especially because having dinner out with grad school friends has become the rule rather the exception.
Anyway, it is a challenge to stay awake in my morning class, because well, it's a lecture class…in Asian history and geopolitics, for that matter. It also doesn't help that my classmates aren't very participative and do not even react to my professor's best efforts to make the discussion less serious by dropping funny sarcastic remarks about Western colonialism and such. They probably don't get the jokes. Meanie :P
My afternoon class is of a different constitution. There's only 5 of us students - 4 of which are Asian studies majors. I feel like the odd-woman-out for being the only non-Asian studies major and for being a graduate of THE other university near UP.
Here's the demographics: 3 females and 2 males all within the 25-30 age range. Let's uncreatively label the ladies F1, F2 and F3 and the men M1, M2? (the question mark is supposed to denote the other dude's gender).
Because perspectives matter in higher studies, I - the minority - shall in this case take the privileged position of being zee point of reference. So, moving on:
F1 who sits two chairs away from me, next to M1 who I will describe later, is a Southeast Asian studies major interested in Indochina. She holds a foreign language proficiency certificate in Khmer . Khmer!! Holy kamote! Aside from her, I do not have any acquaintance in the Philippines or the world over who speaks this language. After our first class, we had a small chat and she told me that they all thought I was a Korean exchange student @_@
F2 sits directly opposite me. She holds an undergraduate degree in Philippine studies and wants to write a thesis critical of Western media. Yea…'Marxist' media studies…that kinda thing. Old stuff if you ask my college friend. The impetus for this thesis topic, she said, is her work at a business publication: "I'm taking this graduate programme because I want to contradict everyone at work". Just because. Why not find something else if it's so paradigmatically unagreeable. Haha!
M1 is my seatmate - a competitive, extremely inquisitive and participative fellow (yes, I'm being very constructive here) whose background is on comparative literature (oooohhhh). A self-confessed 'Marxist' who delights in reading Terry Eagleton (the first and last time I read Eagleton was waaaaaay back freshman year in college; I don't remember anything beyond his name), I find it ironic that he works for a multinational firm. Haha! Anti-capitalist huh? I guess the Marxist inclination goes as far as his literary criticism is concerned :P
M2 sits next to F2. He is actually the most quiet and reserved of the 5 of us…so far. He was a history major and so now teaches history at the university campus outside Metro Manila. If my memory serves me right, he recently started grad studies.
F3 - myself. Minority. Enough said.
Yesterday, M1 and I presented our respective articles in class. He was supposed to go first but because he came in late, I had to do it ahead. Overall, I wasn't satisfied with my presentation. I crammed preparing it. My fault I know, but one other reason is that I didn't include a background slide on the authors. Well, I didn't know my professor expects that; my other teachers didn't. Though he apologised for not telling us that such should also be researched, it didn't make me feel better because!!! It should have been common-sensical. Heh. Perfectionist I know.
Plus, I think my comments on the two articles were sheer and utter BS. I should know because in retrospect, it sounds to me like a typical Ms. Universe spiel about 'development' being the means for human beings to reach their full potential. Argh! How embarrassing. I better redeem myself. It's not exactly a stupid answer. I'll try to justify it too by saying that as in learning to dance with a partner, the first few steps are always awkward. Your confidence (in dancing) develops as you become more familiar with your partner. (Yea right. See? Even that is such a beauty queen analogy. What the flying fudge.)
The thing is, I'm super pressured to excel in this class especially because my classmates are so competitive and active in discussions. This is not their first class under this particular professor. My impression is that the benchmark for grading us would be higher than what it would be had it been otherwise. I feel it is doubly so for me because like anywhere else, there is 'politics' in the academe. Some, if not most, professors have a bias against students who graduated from THE other university. I have a feeling that my professor is one of them, if the use of referent labels to THE other university is any indication, not to mention that during the first meeting, he wrote in parenthesis my bachelor's degree and undergraduate university opposite my name when no such information was written for the others.
It would appear insurmountable if I begin to consider theoretical inclinations. Geez. These are a bunch of 'Marxists'! Not that it's a categorically bad thing to be because we are in an academic context afterall. And Marxism does not necessarily mean Soviet communism or Cuban socialism. But man, it can be so mentally exhausting to talk about socialism, communism, Che Guevarra, Fidel Castro, Mao, Lenin and all these other figures and factions of Marxism for two hours straight!!!! On a Saturday afternoon!!! What have I gotten myself into?! I can take it in small doses; I would even say I am 'Marxist' to the extent that I like Antonio Gramsci. But honestly, it's saturating to listen and try to participate in it (try being the operative word). It was a pretty interesting discussion, yes, but M1 wouldn't let up! He just had to take out his Terry Eagleton book 20 minutes to dismissal time! At that point, I started to pack my stuff. I was already dreaming about my slice of chocolate cake which I had to forego earlier in the day to cram the presentation.
Seriously, that adds to the pressure. The only way to get an A is if I go critical (of mainstream development economics) in my paper. Pressure pressure.
But if yesterday would be the template for our succeeding meetings, I can very easily foresee that I would always get a sweet fix after class. Diabetes alert! | | |
| That is what I am. The Lord has pulled me out of my comfort zone.
It's been a roller coaster ride, as they say, given all the highs and lows the Lord has made me experience this year.
Career-wise, God's twists and turns and loops allowed me to work fulltime only 6 months . The rest of the year - 5 months so far - was spent at home reading, clockwatching, writing, studying , and on my best days, praying and discerning.
On the surface, these aren't a good set of activities to achieve personal (financial) security. Therefore, it goes without saying that I live on contingencies, one day at a time, by the grace of God. So does my family.
On worst days, however, I sometimes think that my life lacks coherence and predictability. It appears to me like a collage or an abstract artwork - the essence of which is only discernible to an eclectic eye.
Each time I think I have regained my security, I wake up to find myself on another crossroad or forking path that would initially create confusion and discouragement, especially when I forget that there is a Hand guiding me in the midst of it.
Today, looking at the artwork that captures the rollercoaster ride, the crossroads and the forking paths, it seems to me that this year is the dark night of my soul.
And it is only the grace of God that continues to pull me through.
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| There is a pot of gold at the end of the Bollywood rainbow :P I shall reward myself with another nice set of Indian banglessss!
Weeee! i love this semester. What I need is consistency to get my goal :P | | |
| My parents had another scandalous yelling bout. (It's always the case whenever I visit the province) By now, I'm too used to it. And I don't care. They always threaten each other that they'd separate. But they don't. It's all bullcrap :P If I were them, I would just go for it. Do it. Threats don't amount to anything unless you actually act on them. Only stupid people are effectively threatened.
My brother thinks I'm indifferent, and so does my little sister. Life goes on, you know. In my view, there's no use dwelling on such, better yet, placating either one of them. Besides, they're old enough to know right from wrong. They're educated. They know what to do. And I only say what I have to say ONCE. Whether you listen or not, is entirely up to you.
And the thing is, I have nothing more to say. I'm more interested in reading The Captive Mind and downloading poetry. I've downloaded a collection of poems by Bukowski, Neruda, Achebe, Milosz, Rilke and Lorca. These are finer and a lot more deserving of attention. Such fights are the devil's tactic of trying to keep my gaze off the Lord.
I know who holds me. I know who owns me. My God is bigger than any my circumstance I am in that's why I'm unshaken.
Eh...I don't like drama. It's so overrated. Really. It's like a B movie.
But whatever anyone says or don't say, God reigns :P
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| OMG! I did it! I got the grade I wanted in IR! Whooppee whooppee! I feel rewarded for those nights I stayed up late cracking my head over darn political Realism. (I still don't like it.)
Buuuuuut... I think the paper on Antonio Gramsci did it! Weeee! Happiness!
I don't feel so bad about the weight I gained from stress-eating.
Praise God yo! | | |
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